It's a day I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. Probably because I'm not.
I wish I had more ambition. I wish I knew people out here, yet I don't want to interact, yet I do. I'm just confused. I'm such a hermit. But I don't want to be one. It's almost crippling, but I don't want to let it be. But what can I do about it? I'm needed here, why I don't know. I guess I'm lucky my parents want me here and talk me out of moving out and such. I don't want to leave, so that's good. But what am I doing? I take care of things here, but what's outside of the scope I know? I've always been at home, I haven't seen a friend for what? Maybe fifteen years? I saw my only 'real world can interact with' friend maybe seven years ago, but I was so sick we just watched tv the whole visit. She has her life, so I don't want to bother her with finding the time to come up here. Even if she did there's no where she could stay here. The house is just enough for three people, so it's fully occupied as it. I hate planes, so I can't just go down there either, plus I don't want to bother them. XDBut besides friends, what else am I not understanding? My dad always says life out there is terrible, and I should go see it so I understand, but when? I can't leave here, so when am I supposed to see that? I know that already, I've seen things. But work wise, yeah. I just wonder what I'm doing with my life. I want to help people, but don't know how. My life ambition is to make people happy, but I don't know how to do it. My parents don't understand why I want to make people happy, even at the cost of my happiness. They tell it it's nice I want to make people happy, but it doesn't matter and there's more important things to worry about, and to figure out something more beneficial to me. But what makes me happy is to make others happy, when I can't do that I get depressed fast. I guess that's what a personality test said, so it deciphered a lot for me. But I knew that before taking it. It just made it more grounded as being normal. I just want to figure out what I should do. Maybe I need to take a college class in winter during my down time. Maybe game design and agriculture. That way I could try and make games while not working on the farm. The farm is taking some damage from this heat wave by the way, and our major test crop failed. But we think we know why and that's why you test right?
Ehh, just feeling down, if it follows the normal pattern, in a day or week or even an hour or some random amount of time, I'll hit a high mood and get a lot done. Don't know why. But I don't think my parents notice my mood changes and patters because I show no emotions outwardly unless it's an extreme high or low. Even then the amount of emotion I show is what I suspect is a normal level from most people. I don't like to tell people how I feel. Because when I do it's usually misunderstood. So why bother? Don't get me wrong, I have the best parents ever, they let me express myself how I want, dress how I want, art wise they usually support me, but half the time they don't see why I do things. Eh. *shrug* Normal.
I just hope I figure this all out. If anyone knows a way I can make people happy, please let me know. I usually try to through art, and dressing a bit odd. I like my style, and it seems to make people happy, others it seems to annoy, but meh to them. Only time I ever really act silly is for my kid niece and sister in law. Sometimes for my mom if I notice she's down. Or if I'm in an extreme high mood. I don't do drugs, it's not that kind of high. XD It's a hormone thing I'm sure, since I take medication for my thyroid, but it doesn't effect one thing. Meds rarely target one thing. It effects the endocrine system, it can cause hormone dumps, which can be good or bad or real bad. XD Making me tired or sick. But mostly I think it helps, so eh bad with the good. But I used to have these mood changes waaaaaay before taking these meds. By my thyroid causes the dumps. Or could anyway. Eh. Whatever. XD
As long as I can function and communicate and get along I'm fine. I don't see it getting any worse, so I'll just deal with it. It's normal from what I understand. I do wish I was better at expressing myself though. I seem to have a few things I can get across, but only once to the extreme of that, and that's sadness, anger, and joy. But only the extremes of them. Otherwise I appear neutral regardless of whichever of those I am. Which is good I guess? I don't want to bother people around me. Neutral is a normal feeling too, where you just feel nothing and blank, but I appear neutral the majority of the time... In public I usually force a smile so I don't look so.... blank? So when I get out of social situations I'm usually tired from it. But hey, I'm always tired. Unless on a high mood, then BAM crash to tired again. Why hormones? Why?
Eh this was meant to be one line, now it's a big ol' thing of confusion. Sorry. I'll just leave it at this.
